First Place Toast 2008
By Michael

Clancy O'Flanagan was feelin' warn down and tattered,
So he went to the .doctor to see what was the matter.
He had horrible pain in his back and his skin was turning yellow
Which was rather odd for this strappin Irish fellow.

You see Clancy liked his whiskey, his cider and especially Guinness Brew
He'd drink it, cook with it, and sometimes use it as shampoo.
When the doc ran some tests and drew out some blood
It had the distinct smell of Guinness and it was the color of mud

Clancy you're my friend, so I'm gonna give it to you straight.
The news I have to share, well ... it isn't all that great.
I'm almost afraid to tell you, I know it will make you quiver,
You see my friend Clancy; you've blown out your liver.

Clancy was crushed, just like any of us would be
So it was off to the pub for a pint of Guinness or maybe two or three
He called up his son's and said he had important news,
They should meet at the pub and have a few cold brews.

When his boys entered the pub they saw an Irishman on a mission
It looked like a one legged man in an ass-kickin' competition
Boys we are O'Flanagans and we drink in good times and in bad
And I'm afraid I have some crappy news on the health of your deal' old dad

You see my liver is toast; the news it is the worst,
But my concern at this moment is that I do not die of thirst.
So stand beside boys as I break the news to me chums
Just sit and listen, follow my lead, and tip off nothing to these bums.

My friends, you need to know, I'm knocking on death's door
The doctor says three months at tops, not a day more
It's a wee bit embarrassing; you see I am dying of V.D.
And it feels like bloody razor blades every time I go to pee

I have a rash down below that no scratch can itch
And no power in my manhood, not even a twitch
It's Blisters ... and pus ... and big oozing sores
I have the body of Jack Dempsey, but the junk of a whore.

Clancy's friends all cringed, and slowly walked away,
Not a one stayed to chat,--no one even offered to pray.
His boys looked confused, and puzzled by this plot
Dad you just said you were dying because your liver was shot

Boys raise up your Guinness and give your old man a toast,
For this might be a final lesson before I'm a ghost
I told the fellas it was VD so each of them would shutter,
And most importantly when I am gone ....
Not one of them rat-bastards will try to sleep with your mother!

click here to watch Michael's toast